Dr. Grauer's Column - Winter Holiday Love and Optimism

Some Winter Holiday Love and Optimism, from High School 

Some people think of the glass as half full;
some people think of the glass as half empty; I think of the glass as too big.
— George Carlin

Parents, between me and you, don’t go overboard in expecting a lot of gratitude. For teens with a strong need for autonomy and independence, it might be demoralizing for them to recognize how very much they are dependent upon grownups. And for teens with little need for autonomy and independence, you might end up worrying a whole lot more.  

But, PLEASE, rest assured that your morals, values and ethics are becoming an integral part of your child’s psychological makeup. If you have been imparting good values to your children, they will stay with them for the rest of their lives. As noted by Michael C. Bradley in his book, Yes, Your Teen Is Crazy, your teen “may have put [your values] in cold storage…but they’re there and they will reappear in time.” 

So, you might be wondering: What ARE teens grateful for if not you? According to Christine Carter, Ph.D., the director of the GGSC’s Greater Good Parents program:  friends, sense of community, and belonging. In this column, I’ll illustrate what this finding actually looks like.

At our school, we have a weekly assembly. (I think a community needs to commune regularly, as we do.) The service is prompted to start by the alluring sound of the Tibetan singing bowl (bell). We then sit together in silence. I love that we are all together for these few, mindful moments—the whole school. It is the only time all week our campus is entirely quiet together and I have no end of faith about how valuable that is.

Just as it begins in silence, our assembly ends in gratitude. I do not believe I received almost any public gratitude after sixth grade and its common for me to meet people who remember high school the same. At our school, we’re changing that. 

I guess there are just as many reasons to have gratitude as to have silence, and both are archetypes treasured by wisemen going back to ancient times. Having them enculturated throughout our school takes years of committed work and is the gold standard for school leaders, if you ask me. 

So, at each assembly’s end, our school counselor, Shelley Boniwell, takes out our old Gratitude Jar where students and teachers (mainly students) put slips of paper all week long in their expressions of gratitude. Shelley reads them to close the assembly. We have been doing this practice, created by our emeritus counselor Tricia Shemwell, for probably 15 years or so, long enough to see the whole sense of gratitude permeate our organizational behaviors. We have become a place of gratitude in both theory and practice.

To show you how fun this practice is, here are the actual, verbatim expressions from last week’s gratitude jar. There were a lot last week so feel free to scan them for your favorites. And then, at the end of this story, I will give you my lifetime favorite student gratitude statement. Here, from last week, including an expression of gratitude to the school chickens:

—"Thanks to Tom, Courtney, and Thor for being a musical dream team.”
—"Mia, thank you for heading up the JDRF roller skating night and walk. You are so amazing. Your friend, Selah”
—"Dear Tristan, Will, and Sophie, thank you for making a beautiful dust bath for us. We use it daily.  Love, Elizabeth, Bernadette, Henrietta and Cleo (the Grauer Chickens)”
—"Dear Karina, thanks for thinking about doing dance (club) with me. Love, Emerson”
—"Symphonie, thank you for being so kind and generous. You inspire me every day with your intelligence and compassion.”
—"Thank you to everyone who bought goodies to support Casas de Luz. A special thank you to those who baked yummy things to sell: Dylan, Aleah, Mia, Amber, Charlie, and Alyce, who donated so many delicious baked goods. You rock!”
—"Selah, thank you for helping me with the JDRF fundraising efforts. I love U—Mia"
—"Thank you, Oliver, for helping me with algebra!”
—"Thank you, Nick Scacco, for loaning the middle school ASB your room and baseball bat.”
—"I am grateful for all of the 8th grade girls.”
—"Thank you, Shelley, for letting me come in your room last week. Love you.”
—"Thank you to Jillian for being so supportive during my bad days.”
—"Thank you, Mia, for doing such an amazing job with fundraising for JDRF—it’s really inspiring.”
—"Thank you, Erin and Shelley and Clayton, for always saying good morning to everyone every day. It’s always a great start to the school day!”
—“A huge thank you to all the musicians who participated in Thursday’s Café Night. It was an incredible night. From Isaac”
—"Shelley, thank you for being so wonderful and amazing. You are such a positive person and a light in my life. We love you.”

And last and anonymous, but not least …

—“Thank you everyone, for being so nice to me.”

Something I notice that might be important “data” about our school, is the prevalence of the word “love” in our students’ expressions of gratitude. I don’t hear that a whole lot at schools I visit. When I hear that word, I am heartened at knowing there is a little more connection and belongingness shared on campus. This is not only healthy, but it breeds creativity and intellectual courage. This is true: in a place of connection and emotional safety, people are more creative! So, the main thing our kids are grateful for (and the gratitude author Christine Carter supports this in research), is for acceptance and belongingness… and love. 

Note to parents: Kids appreciate acceptance that is non-judgmental and non-advice-giving. I’m not saying parents should not give advice! (Or that they should.) I am only saying that they might be in for a long wait in getting expressions of appreciation for it.

There is even research showing how gratitude can help us be less materialistic, selfish, and entitled. Please consider how very hard this can be for an adolescent to achieve. To be a teenager—in the classic sense—means expressing a fundamental desire to individuate from one’s family. This is not unhealthy behavior. Pushing parents away, wanting things to be none of the parents’ business, and exhibiting relative ignorance of all parents have done for them are all behaviors that conjure independence. 

A school of gratitude is an enormous benefit for all who participate. Gratitude is transformative, and this is documented by mountains of research. For instance, gratitude makes us more productive, but it is also its own reward—brain researchers easily show how people who feel gratitude are happier, more creative, more empathic, and more successful. Gratitude is one of the best-known ways to work through stress and emotional situations, too. 

“Is your glass half empty or half full?” asked the mole?
“I think I’m grateful to have a glass,” said the boy.
— Charlie Mackesy, “The Boy, The Mole, The Fox and the Horse”

One of the main reasons gratitude has such a powerful impact on the human mind is its relationship to optimism. Gratitude means: I am grateful because I know what I am doing has an impact on people—my deeds will lead to positive outcomes and impacts. My actions make a difference!—I matter! This is called efficacy.

Optimism and gratitude are great considerations for this holiday season. What I love about the optimists I know is that none of them are optimistic because they think things are going to turn out perfectly. They are optimists because they will end up feeling grateful even when life is not perfect, as it always will be. And, yes, I know, the holiday season can be hard or lonely for some among us. The optimists remain so because they always seem to find things to feel grateful for, and genuinely—this is a practice for them, especially through holidays, blues, or challenging times.

A True Story: Many years ago, the great psychiatrist Marshall Rosenberg, shortly after returning from brokering a peace deal between Israelis and Palestinians, spent a whole day with our faculty. We had literally lost our school and were homeless, camping out in a local church—the whole school! Marshall told us: “The only thing that will really determine if you will be successful as a school is whether gratitude is a regular part of your days.”  

There is nothing we have ever taken to heart more than Marshall’s words. There is nothing, really nothing, more important to me and our faculty and students than gratitude and the optimism it breeds. Being in a school of peaceful abiding, gratitude, and optimism (and of course safety) is my gold standard as a school leader. There are many tradeoffs involved in pursuing these values with conviction—gratitude is a harder thing to master than it often appears. I am thankful (gratitude), knowing that we might have such a school (optimism) at least from time to time, and that our hard work to these ends can pay off (efficacy), if we can embrace a core value: perseverance. As my former student Eric wrote once in an epic expression of teen reality, a summation of all I have ever learned about teen gratitude and, truly, my all-time fav:  

“Thank you to all our teachers. We will appreciate you some day!”

Same goes to parents.

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